3 May 2017

(balance)



Balance and I have never been on good terms. The more I chase it, the more it seems to run away from me. And me, I didn't like it at the start. I still remember when we read a chapter about balanced diets in our 4th grade's science class. It made balance sound boring, like a plate full of rice with vegetables I didn't like. It was my first scientific introduction to balance and I rejected it. I didn't want to eat a balanced diet. But boy I didn't know what balance was going to mean to me.

Balance was everywhere around me. I could see it in the morning and night and how they balanced their existence on the same sky. It was in my religion, in other people's mood, in my mother's voice. It was everywhere but in me. I was falling.

 It was such a small moment when I was on my skateboard and my uncle passed by, saying, "You need to learn balance." He, of course, meant balance in skateboarding but it felt like a sign (I embrace all odd signs).  It felt like I was back in grade 4 all over again and this time I didn't reject balance. It was the word I was looking for in the middle of the chaos of my life. I found the word but I didn't have the meaning.

Months ago, me and my twin sister were watching a tv show (teen wolf) and there was an emotional scene going on between a son and his father (Stiles & Sherrif) The father said something about balancing things in life, it was probably about doing something right if you did something wrong, simplest way to create the balance in life, fixing what shouldn't have been done in the first place. I was so glad to hear that, I later turned it into me personal balance theory. I found it a relief that there's a potential in me to create balance. 

I'm still falling from my skateboard and balance still doesn't want anything to do with me (because of my 4th grade rejection?!?!?) I'm trying to find it within me, in my religion, in other things or I'll try another balance theory and create small fragments of it. My religion teaches balance in life & the time before death, spending money & sharing it, time, praying & working. Balance is in my history. I crave it. 

I've been trying to find a balance between my religion and this world lately, and I have realized it doesn't come peacefully or easily. It tears my mind apart. It's important and it's powerful and it takes all of my strength away. But I'm trying and I will not let go until it comes to me, to stay forever.


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