31 October 2016

a sycophantic, prophetic, socratic junkie wannabe

I've always been a fan of loving things that feel bigger than my whole existence. This is what fangirling means to me. It helps me to find a link to a creative force that's way more powerful than anything else in my world. There are days when I'm a better fangirl than anything else that I do. I don't mind that.

In year 2011, One Direction was the hottest boyband and I was the worst high school student. Along with it, came other emotional issues. It was quite a match: a high school student finding ways to get out of the miseries brought by school and people through falling for a boyband. Almost classical. That was me. One Direction, particularly Zayn, was my one true escape. And internet helped me in all possible ways to be a better fangirl everyday. I once almost made my mind to start writing fanfics for 1D boys, I didn't do it though. I also lost a few friends?!?!? because I couldn't stand if you insulted my boys. Never target Zayn, of course. Never do that. He's precious. 2011 Areeba was one overreacting piece of crap.

In year 2016, nevermind we're still in 2016, I found the boyband that was going to save my sorry ass, The 1975. Matty Healy from The 1975 was the insane artist and I was the want-to-be-mad-for-art human being. Oh how I romanticize the feeling of losing my mind but knowing my art, the archetype of your average art kid.

Initially, I was jealous of Matty's broken mind and then I fell in love with the songs he wrote. Matty, quite a tragedy in himself, describes himself as "A sycophantic, prophetic, Socratic junkie wannabe" in The Sound. He's also known as the pretentious piece of shit which I think doesn't hurt me much. I think all of us are pretentious pieces of shit, trying to figure out what to do with our art/lives. 

And Matty, along with all the controversies about his work being a copy of others or other horrible things, is my most favorite atm. To me, he doesn't feel like the fancy star who's too shiny that it becomes scary at some point. He's an artist to me, an insane one, his work matters. He isn't relatable, for I have never lost my mind or developed a drug addiction. But he's important to me, one very important emo lord. I printed a picture of him, slipped it into a frame and was content enough to accept that I actually did this. A framed picture of a junkie wannabe to keep with me forever.

Fangirl, forever.


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