30 July 2016

the middle product

I've been MIA. I haven't been the best version of myself lately because so much happened so suddenly I didn't get to sit down and think WAIT WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

I was a soldier in January, an optimist in February, a tired young person in March, a fool in April, a rebel in May, a creative force in June and surprisingly the most troubled person on earth in July. 

I have been developing theories about my existence these days. It feels like I get into my mind, picking up the memories and stories from the library of my mind and try to measure who was I in the past and how many things I can turn into in future. I had been afraid in the past, I had been a rebel, a daughter from hell, a patriot, but I lacked one thing: being enough.

I have been a middle product of everything I ever turned into, most likely being stuck between a yes or a no. If I was a word, it would be maybe. When I was mad, I wasn't mad enough. I wasn't afraid enough or even brave enough, I had always been in the middle of it somewhere. Not reaching the enough point. 

When you feel like you're never anything "enough", it's like being in the middle of the road on a moonlit night. You don't move away, you just C.A.N.T but you don't want to stay either. It's confusing and doesn't let you be in peace. It's a restless phase and it doesn't go away, easily.
And GODDAMN IT, I don't want to be anything anymore.

The restlessness, you see, is the most uncomfortable feeling when it comes to self discovery. I've been desperate to finally BE something, a better version of myself, the enough version of "me" etc but I don't want it anymore. The restlessness I have resented has always been the secret guide to me. I don't want to be content with what I have created so far and all the things I have turned into, I want to keep going and if I stay, even for a while, I am afraid I would stop. Being content with myself is what I crave the most but it'll destroy me. And this is my biggest fear now.

And staying the calm, peaceful Areeba scares the shit out of me. 

Maybe it's not enough madness, but it keeps the fire ignited in me. 


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