I bought my first ever make up highlighter a few days ago. My obsession with all things shiny is still strong. I've always loved the idea of being a bright bright bright thing, visible, relieved that I can prove I exist.
I was reading a book, thx to Katie, and it tore me apart and also helped me in stitching my open skin back, named The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer. My favorite part that summed up my whole existence:
"And there I was, thirty-two years old, at a yoga retreat, desperately trying to find myself, and realizing that everything I'd been doing in my life, artistically, could be summed up like this:
PLEASE BELIEVE ME. I'M REAL. NO REALLY, IT HAPPENED. IT HURT.
And I sat there and laughed and laughed.
And cried. And laughed At myself.
It was so embarrassing."
Thanks Amanda, YOU QUEEN!
But really, it's hard to prove that you EXIST. Even to yourself. You see, it takes efforts to be more than alive, to exist, to be enough, to be a shiny thing. My biggest fear was that one day I'm going to take someone from shoulders and shake that person and shout LOOK AT ME I'M HERE. And being afraid that the wouldn't even look me in the eyes and approve my existence. It's the scariest thing, you know, to know that you're nowhere but you are.
But being someone who makes art reduces the fear of not being visible and alive. I know if I'm not there, something that I created years ago will be. If people can't see me, they definitely can look at the art I created. I'm more visible with things that I've created and words that I've written. I know that I'll be there even when I'm not.
My art will always be my BELIEVE ME I'M REAL cry. It's me, it has always been me, trying to be a shiny thing I've always wanted to be, a star, even a broken ones would work. But I want to be here because I know that I AM.
I want to "BE" and stay here and keep doing something I've always loved while having an existence no one can deny. Not even the voice in my head which is mean at times, even to me.
I'm here and I'm staying.