16 May 2016

be your own home

This past week, so many different people tried to tell me the same useless yet important thing: Child, be a good thing.

And it surely pisses me off.

I have exams to emotionally hurt me, I have dreams that are way too expensive for me, I have poems to write & a zine to publish - I don't have time to be any bloody thing.

Well, what actually happened is that I tried to return to a home which wasn't a building at all but it wasn't there where I left it and it made me very very very angry. 

In my imagination, my world was imperfectly normal. The kind of normal which is peaceful and I didn't have to worry about waking up early or late and I was aware of the fact that whenever I needed to feel like going back home, I can always go back. But holy crap, one day the home wasn't there for me anymore and it disturbed my entire existence.

And it made me feel haunted and grown up. Because now, I will have to find a way to be my own home and a person at the same time.

This shit is scary, trying to find a home in your own self. It's worth it in all possible ways but it's scary. It terrifies the hell out of me when I think that I am finally letting my favorite human beings go and starting all over. I wrote about it and it felt great and I'm trying to keep the balance but I'm just a kid who sometimes needs emotional support from internet & life looks hard at some point but I'm hella sure I'm going to make it. I'm going to be 19 soon and I'll laugh how pathetic things were when I was an 18 years old troubled person who just wanted to romanticize people and she wasn't even good at it.

I'm learning to be a home, my very own home so that I won't have to find it in other people who would want to leave at some point and I wouldn't be able to stop them. 

Be your own home, sweetheart.


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