2016 has been determined to test me and let me do everything I thought I couldn't do. OR couldn't do with ease. It's surpriringly how easier things look once they're done, especially if they were tagged as "CAN'T-HAPPEN-WON'T-HAPPEN" in our minds once.
So, exactly two days ago, I changed my mind over the topic of kindness.
For me, kindness has always been something you watch on tv, a guy sacrifising his life for a kid in a tv show or when a mother does something extraordinary for her child. I had always associated kindness with a mother or a random stranger that will suddenly appear into my life and fix everything. Well, I was wrong but that's what it was for me. And I can openly confess that I was never a kind person. Maybe I thought I can never be. Or maybe I was, I'm generally nice to people around. Maybe because I thought kindness required a lot of power, a lot of energy, maybe it takes a hell lot of effort that's why people ignore being kind. Maybe it's the hardest job to think of others.
Or maybe that's what we are taught while growing up that tough girls who don't give a shit are good and will stay and the others will go down. This is what we romanticise, to have a girl that can be a cold hearted bitch. People will write song about her. High school kids teach you to be mean, to be cold, to insult, to not help. Maybe the youngest minds are really dangerous at some point.
To be very honest, I still think that tough girls who don't give a shit will stay up and will shine brighter, but that doesn't mean you should NEVER give a shit, it's good to care sometimes, when it's needed. It's good to be sensitive when it's required.
It all came to my mind because I think I pulled up an act of kindness to someone just two days ago. It wasn't big but it terrified me that why I was being so hard on myself whenever it came to kindness? And then I realised I CAN be kind to someone, I can be kind to myself too. And it was a sudden moment of clairty. Kindness does require strenght, but it's all in your head. It is possible to be kind without giving yourself too much of a trouble. It's possible to care of other human beings while keeping your guards high. It's a lesson that I learned in just a few seconds.
I hope this year I learn to forgive too. I like keeping things in balance now. I'd like to see myself as a girl who turned into a huamn being, not just by possessing all essential senses and organs but the important factors that make someone human.